The Everlasting Darkness we call Depression

Depression is like a darkness. You can sense the darkness surrounding you, putting you in a cage too small for your body? Everytime you shout, your voice seems to fade into the distance and everyone around you makes you feel like a mere ghost. You’re just one, worthless and not important. You’re only a child, you shouldn’t be so selfish, there are things worse than what you feel. You are not trapped, you’re just wasting people’s time with your petty problems.

You are told to go to school because staying at home won’t help. You are told to smile and not cry because that will disrupt other students ability to learn. You must not share to anyone because there are bigger things going on around you and you are only going to make it worse. The voices in your head start to toss and turn in the overwhelming thoughts that twist endlessly in your mind. But, you are not trapped. You are just dramatic.

You feel drained and tired but you may not say that because then you are attention seeking. You cannot say that those cuts in your legs weren’t from you falling but from the thoughts in your mind you can’t control. You aren’t allowed to show anything but gratitude because otherwise you’re an ungrateful, privileged child. You cannot act anyway out of the ordinary because then you will be judged by your friends. You are not trapped, you’re fine.

Or so that’s what they say every time you speak out. They will shut down each and every little thing because you are only a child and they have better things to do. They will say how this is the best for you and how you just need to move on, get back on schedule, occupy yourself with new sport or activities. But that only makes it worse.

You watch yourself grow distant from your friends and family, your grades begin to drop and your eyes don’t shine anymore. You are empty, nothing, you feel numb and dull. You wish to feel something, joy, serenity and even long for pain because you wish to feel like everyone else. But then there’s time when you do feel, it’s never happiness or warmth, no it’s always pain. The consuming voices overtake once again.

You try so hard to hold those voices back, away from reality but you fail. Your bed isn’t your safe place anymore. You’re now scared to go to sleep, fearing those nightmares that leave you panting, gasping for air. You take the pills to suppress them but it never works. But then the day comes…..

One day you’ll go to school like you do everyday but this time there they are. Your safety net. They watch your expression change from numb to happy, or at least you trying to be happy but you don’t even know if you’re doing it right anymore. They'll come up to you and stare into your empty eyes and say those three simple words; are you okay?

Your eyes will swell up, relief and fear building up in your throat, tears blinding you, making everything blurry like rain on the car window. They'll take you into her arms and warmth will overflow, comfort that scares away the darkness. They won’t say anything, not asking what happened. They will just pull you closer, their arms tightening around your shoulders.

You’ll pull away, hiccups developing as you start to breathe again. They only smiles and takes you into their arms again, encasing you with their loving vanilla scent. You’ll cry so much that you’ve drenched your shirt but they don't judge, they just smile, their eyebrows furrowing, creating forehead creases. Maybe one day this will happen.

Maybe one day someone will ask if you’re truly okay but for now you have to return to your bed and suffocate in your silent tears.